Not all spam is bad spam

Some of it’s quite tasty!

Spam to our blogs and emails is overall a bad thing. The gigabytes of spam that traverses the Net clogs email accounts, wastes bandwidth, and is overall a pain in the ass.

But not all spam is bad. The meat product is quite tasty, especially when fried up crisp and served with over-easy eggs.

But even Internet spam isn’t all bad. Every day I get spam to one of my WordPress blogs. Most of it is crap. But some of it … well, it’s downright entertaining. The surreal quality of the non-native English speaker’s attempts to get me to buy a product, or simply allow the backlink to remain on my server are delightful! Take this most recent example:

“I’ve to state that I respectfully disagree with some of this data as I have lots of encounter inside the make any difference, but I think you might have nevertheless designed a few superior details.”

If you turn your head sideways, this one almost makes sense. The language has a simplistic flow, and there are both verbs and nouns to keep the interest. And yet – the message doesn’t quite make it.

My other example is even more fun. Check it out:

“The majority of anything you state has become amazingly genuine and also it causes me and my friends want to know for what reason I personally hadnt investigated it within this light-weight just before. This approach element truly made button light upon to me as far as this sort of subject material moves. Is far more efficient an individual situation Get consequently as well secure by using whilst I aim in order to reunite that with the biggest perception of this challenge, allow everyone observe just what all the rest in the readership need to declare. Wonderfully succesfully done.”

I love that one. I’m guessing an auto-translator, but I’m not sure even one of the bot translators on the Web would do such a bad job. No … I’m thinking it was a lunatic.

And that makes me smile.


#TwitterFic – Delicious Zombie Treats

The only reason I follow you is so that I can one day catch you and feed you to the zombies. It’s really that simple. Check out the posts below for folks thus far who’ve fed the zombie horde.

“Now pay attention,” Maria said. “@iTweetAndYouRT!” The zombie, however, was not computer literate, and bit Maria instead of tweeting.

Gwendolynne had no idea she was picking through @brainparts. Now that she was a zombie, they looked and tasted like scrambled eggs.

When he found @Jasmine_Aherne was stunned. Aherne thought Jas a little crazy, but even he couldn’t believe she was hugging a zombie puppy.

Johnny Nowhere thought mind manipulation the least of his problems, until he found zombies were stealing his name one letter at a time: @JNowhere

“Before @INukeYou,” Buffy said. “Have any last words?” The zombie grinned, then bit the would-be slayer; Buffy always hesitated too long.

As the child of an Old West Titan, Traci earned the moniker @asteria1898. It made sense in the 1800s, but modern day demigods were clueless.

“Hmmm.” The old man leaned back. “I don’t know @asteria1898 or 1897. Somewhere around there was when the zombies got yer grandmother.”

Tameka took comfort in the brutal howl of the wind. “If it wasn’t for @_TheHurricane,” she said, “we’d be ass-deep in zombies by now.”

“You’ve got to save @JadenAlexander3!” he screamed. Alex didn’t pay attention, so he shoved Alex to the zombies, and saved Jaden himself.

Tameka would have been swept away by @_TheHurricane, were it not for the zombies nibbling at her feet, and holding her to the ground.

“We must use @shapedchocolate people if we plan to fool the zombies.” I thought about it, then shoved him into a vat of boiling chocolate.

It was when Prince William went slumming that he learned the zef side to his name, @printzwilli, helped him score with zombie babes

It’s true that zombies prefer humans to most things. But if you need to get away from the horde, just toss them a @gingerkytten, then run.

Sure, they thought @SpencerSpooky to begin with. But after getting used to the bulging eyes, it was all good – till Spencer turned Zombie.

Global security depended upon us understanding KH-12 IKON. Unfortunately, the only one who could decode it was himself encoded as @chr2ebr.

Twas Christmas morn, and @sirra_girl was still snug in her bed, visions of sugar plums danced in her head. Outside the zombie horde waited.

Even a woman who was @Born_Fighting lets down her guard just a little for Christmas. That’s when the zombies got here.

All I want for Christmas is a pair of @twisted_twins drenched in the blood of a @_DeadHooker, breathing chaos and destruction.

Grayson was reciting @SinistreProse on Christmas Day; that’s why he was taken by vampire little person.

You know, it was being such a @writebastard on Christmas Day that earned him a spot with the Zombie Horde.

Christmas Day was perfect, awakening to dreams of @ssraven wiggling and moaning – my chocolate covered Gothic Buddhist.

“You will call me @Mistress_Amelia!” She snapped the words out one by one. The zombie, however, ignored her, screamed and lunged.

She liked her guns like she liked her men, @bigrhardrfastr. Facing the Apocalypse was easier after a sweaty night, and holding a smoking gun

In @WakefieldMahon found bodies bloody and corrupted. Unfortunately, while Mahon the bodies, one of them noticed his presence.

Marissa was a @tiredmommyof4, too tired to see the zombie sneaking up on her. Eric saw and dealt with the zombie, as Marissa belonged to him

@ChastityBites Allison. Allison bites Francia. Francia bites Elizabeth. Elizabeth bites Ashley. Thus the Zombie horde begins.

When she found the @AuthorTheresa shoved him off the roof to the zombies below. After all, it was the author who’d opened the gates.

Snaring zombies with forest vines became popular after the creator of the snare – @JayeViner – also came up with the recipe for zombie soup.

“Damnit!” he screamed. “It bit me!” Andrea shook her head. “Yep,” she said. “Not only is it a zombie, but it’s @1_Evil_Pussycat.”

“You’ve got to save @JadenAlexander3!” But Alexander was busy editing a film documentary, and so Jaden became zombie food.

There was no beauty in hell till @Lola_Hexx’d the inhabitants, sheathing them all in latex, and fitting the demons with proper piercings.

“That’s just @theglitterlady,” McCoy said, scrubbing at his skin. Stevie didn’t believe him, and she staked him as a sparkly vampire.

Though most folks thought zombies @GruesomeGary found them quite attractive. That proved to be his undoing, but he had a date to the ball.

For most, it meant Rest and Relaxation, but for @TomRnR meant Rare & Raunchy – the perfect way to cook a zombie burger.

It’s said that the devil is in the details, but I know better. That’s because I’m the devil, and details are boring. I’d rather be in you.

For @Peter_Germany was the ultimate destination: the only place worldwide as yet unaffected by the Zombie Horde.

When we heard that a @FlashMobMovie was in production, we didn’t know that they planned to use real zombies for the shoot.

“I say it was the @speechwriterguy!” Guy put down his red pen: “The speech writer brought doom?” Bergstrom shook his head: “No, zombies!”

Kriss, @AKMamma Zombie, earned her nickname after being the first Alaskan to be infected by the T-virus.

Zeny was known as a @JaggedWriter long before the zombie attack removed three of her fingers.

When police evacuated the town in advance of the Zombie Horde, they neglected to warn the lovers on @Mandee_Lane.

Thirty-two experiments had failed, but with @barkergirl33 we succeeded in combining the DNA of werewolf and zombie.

At first we thought @TheeGrimmReaper was leading the Zombie Apocalypse. Then we realized his bony ass was running like hell!

Zombie Enoch smashed the door, screaming at Branard. Seeing the animated @EnochBranard leapt from his seat, too late to avoid the bite.

While Dr. Frankenstein claimed the credit, it was really @DrFGaskill who reanimated the monster. Unfortunately, the monster ate Gaskill.

We were so used to Danielle’s clear diction when she spoke her name, but after the zombie bite, her words ran together: “@ImDanielleEGray”

When he failed to catch @EdenBaylee stumbled and let her Fall into Winter. Eden made sure it was Baylee’s last mistake.

Zombies had long been part of the @HorrorMovieList, but when the Apocalpyse came, we moved them to the News.

When it came to zombie fighting, we didn’t think @ThoseUSAGirls had the gumption to pull the trigger. Turns we were wrong.

We dismissed Rosemarie as an @80sMusicGirl, little realizing that her mix of New Wave and Glam Rock would one day soothe the Zombie Horde.

We all thought her crazy when we saw @AllyKiss the zombie. But Ally knew that her lips were the only way to end the Apocalypse.

She thought her name too complex as Lady Lilyanna Lillix Llesenia Bushman, and chose instead to be called @L_Bushman after her Turning.

While Harley Davidsons were the more prominent of motorcycles, it was the @scooterchicken that zombies most-often commandeered.

By the time Cosby found Rachel, the zombies had gotten her; Still lovely, but @Sweet_N_Twisted.

Sure, the @Twisted_Twins are talented and gorgeous. But they keep a @_DeadHooker in the Trunk for fuck’s sake. What up with that?

“I write, edit, teach,” Shawn tried to scream. But with the zombie’s mouth clamped firmly over his own, it was muffled as @writediteach.

While it took some getting used to, once you found the beat, the screams of the @zombieradioshow were actually quite pleasant.

And the sign said, long haired freaky people need not apply. The position is @For_Zombies only.

The zombie had yet a scrap of intelligence and gagged as he mumbled “@gg_simon is g-g-good,” and resumed chewing.

Too late, John realized his lover was a zombie. She ripped out his throat, and now he gargles his name: @jsundmanus.

It was a @mechanical_rain that preceeded the Zombie Apocalypse, a rhythmic and steady thrum that drove us all to eat one another.

It’s true that @lissawrites mainly about science fiction. But since she was bitten by a zombie, we expect her style to change.

We heard the banging at the door and a throaty growl: “It’s @Just_me_Ella.” We found out too late that Ella had joined the zombie horde.

Dennis was a menace in the life of @mr___wilson. But things got a lot worse after Dennis was bitten by a zombie.

She was a @SecretsWriter, hiding inside the belly of slain dark dragon, she hoped to chronicle the passing of the zombie horde.

Sirius donned the @Sexiest_Black negligee she could find, turned to the window and said: “All right you damned zombies. Come and get me.”

When he sat down to @WriteTheFantasy he’d always dreamed of, he found he could only pound the keyboard in frustration, as zombies can’t type

“@theladywrites fantasy as a rule,” he said. “But now that she’s been bitten by a zombie, we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.”

We didn’t know werewolves could read in their furry form until we found the woman we now refer to as @ComicBookGrrl.

“That plan is @DiceyGrenor,” he said. “But if we run like hell, we’ll beat the zombies.” Grenor nodded, drew her gun, and opened the door.

It was her infatuation with ink that eventually saved @PrincessMiranda from being devoured by zombies: they found beauty in her skin.

“We’re out of bullets, bombs, hatchets and clubs,” Sedgwick fumed. “All we’ve got left to fight zombies with is this @icypop.”

No one knew that zombies could speak, nor that they had a French accent. So imagine our shock when one of them remarked: “@zbleumoon”

We thought @SarahhSquare because she said “zombie,” instead of using the politically correct terminology of “life challenged.”

As an @AuthorJenNS thought herself outside the zombie/human conflict as an impartial observer. The zombies, however, thought otherwise.

“@ImDanielleEGray,” she announced regally. The zombie, formerly known as Princess Lydia, was not impressed and ate Danielle anyway.

We all thought she was kissing frogs because she was looking for a prince. We were wrong. It’s just that @VickiLikesFrogs.

“Move to @TheWriteSteph!” Confused by the misspelling of “right,” Stephanie turned left, right into the zombie’s waiting arms.

A zombie dug through a SLUSH PILE and beyond, frantically seeking the source of @cybell, knowing the sound meant Carole was near.

We tole @jackkholt onto that zombie! Don’t let go! But Jack couldn’t hold on no how, and the zombie tore into him.

Multiple raptures in a Masquerade are referred to as @Raptamei, because vampires, drunk on summerwine, expect to die and be reborn.

Valtherius Motebank was a mouthful, so she shortened her name to @valmote. Val needn’t have bothered, as zombies don’t mind mouthfuls.

THIS CHRISTMAS, don’t forget the zombie in your life. No need to wrap the brains; a skull-casing will do fine. Just put a bow on your head.

Among Pokeman, it was Pikachu that got all of the attention, until @GRIMACHU burst from his ball and started the Zombie Apocalypse.

We all thought her an @UptightBitch for her rage and chaos. I’m guessing our sentiments are what led her to let the zombies through the gate

We told @Linda_Suicide was her best option to avoid the T-virus. Unfortunately, she was already a zombie.

I love having the @kNotofGod whorling through what’s left of my mind. It makes the screams all that much more pleasurable.

Zombies weren’t mainstream until they turned a couple of reporters. Now we trust @zombie_media more than Fox, but that’s not saying much.

It was common for humans to enslave robots, until the @SaviorMachine ushered in the Zombie Apocalypse.

Holy shit!

I still have a WordPress blog. I’d forgotten all about this damn thing. Sheesh. I’m getting too spread out – too thin. I need to shrink things back a bit, but I’m not willing to let go of anything.

Oh well. Check my Web site at or my other blog at Or have a look at my Twitter –!/DianaTrees – That’s where I tend to throw folks to the zombie horde.

Shattered Windows

Numerous times over the last few years, viruses and malware have attacked our family Windows PCs. We’ve fought back, and spent days taking back our computers. But each time we lost a bit more faith in Microsoft products.

We have five active computers in the house. The last one running Windows was shut down last week. And it’s all because of the Swiss cheese operating system.

My son was the first to make the leap. He chose the path of Red Hat Linux. That was several years ago when running Linux was still difficult. He’s a bit of a computer geek and adapted. Soon, he was hacking his way across the Net and into the neighbor’s routers.

The next two computers giving up on Windows were both mine. I’d battled with the Windows XP Antispyware 2010 and 2011 too many times. When my desktop unit was completely befuddled, I bought a new laptop, then installed Ubuntu on both of them.

A few weeks later, my middle daughter was attacked by Windows XP Antispyware 2011. She too gave up on Windows. She’s had enough. The middle child chose a Macintosh and hasn’t looked back.

About 2 weeks ago, my youngest, who thought she was safe with Windows 7 was fried by the Win 7 Antispyware 2012. We spent a night killing off that nasty bit of malware. She fumed for another day, then went and bought herself a Mac.

So, we’re a family finally free of Windows PCs – Yea!

Except at work, where the computer techs just spent the better half of the morning battling yet another piece of crap that had infiltrated Windows Outlook.

How long till businesses wake up?